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Friday, August 22, 2008

Hinanaing ni Asawang Banyaga (A Foreign Husband's Clamour)

If we are oppressed, or if we feel oppressed and feel poor, is it fair to swindle others? Below is one of the many notable responses to my posts. If you want to view the original posts, responses and the whole story, simply CLICK HERE.
Hi, As a foreigner married to a Filipina, I can sympathise with you, the young guy in Canada. I know Canada to be a place of relentless work for low pay, and cold-hearted company policies driven my the N American corporate moral-lacking ethic.
  1. -It is not those who are in poverty that I mind helping, it is finding out that the Phil family medical bills were based on ailments that were never treated, despite the med money sent over.
  2. -It is the spending of cash sent over, after a desperate plea for medical help, on a phone bill that is ten times what I pay in N America.
  3. -It is the second request for med money after the first has been spent on the phone, or other items, and the medical situation is used again to extract money.
  4. -It is the assumption that as I am a foreigner, I am rich, and therefore a bottomless pit that is used for money.
  5. -It is the guilt trips put upon my wife to get her to send her earnings over there, instead of paying bills here. In a 12 year marriage that has been a delight in all other respects, I have seen the following:
  • -A $200 a month budget for family assistance exceeded by up to $400 a month as a regular thing.
  • -The Phil family quit work of any kind, then manipulate to get the $200 budget increased by regular "emergencies" to maintain their retirement
-My family here in N America increase its debt load by over 50,000 bucks, then file bankruptcy.

-My personal pension fund get ransacked to the tune of over $30,000 dealing with bills created by budget overruns.

-I have seen photos of DVD players in the background, when they were $400 items, and I could not afford one.

-I have seen photos of parties, at times when I cannot afford a birthday gift, or even flowers, for my wife.

- I have had a miserable Pinay individual who works at a local Walmart and who is a drug and alcohol user accuse me of being unreasonable as I married a Filipina, and part of that is that Filipinas have to send money home.

-I have had the same individual accuse me publicly and at her workplace of being unreasonable for not liking the small of burning fish, and complaining about it, this being when relatives paid me the continual insult of selecting fish as a toasted offering inside my house at times when I had a day off, yet never when I was away at work.

-I have today heard of a Filipina friend who currently on a visit home has had to go to her sisters house away from the city to avoid the relatives demands for money in large amounts, like amounts enough to buy cars, and then they get annoyed when refused.

-I can with all honesty say that in the years I have been involved, there has not been one single transaction involving money that has been honestly presented.

-Every demand or request for help has been later found to be based on a lie.

-About a year or so ago I attempted to assist with finance for the starting of a business, and all that transpired in the end was that a PC was purchased, and then the relative involved informed me that the Internet Cafe business was no longer any good, and so he would not be going ahead with it. This was coupled with a photo a few weeks later of the same relative working at his PC, a dual-core Intel processor with illuminated Neon case. Meanwhile, I am STILL using a PC that is 7 years old.

-This was followed some weeks later by the father of that same relative crowing about how well his son has done, and how his son has a better computer than we do.

- We some years ago paid for a university course on computers for the same individual, in order to qualify him as having had continuous education since high school, and he decided it was better to take the course money and spend it. He then needed to pay the course (another 700 bucks the wife sent that I advised was throwing good money after bad) to get the paperwork, but by that time had been refused immigration. Tough, Eh? It would be interesting to contact the university and see how much the 700 outstanding tuition really was. Probably another theft of funds from the rich americans

-I hate to say this, but if I had to do my life over again and went for a similar deal, I would make it clear: There will be no funds sent over at all, not a single penny, not for Christmas, none at all. No gifts that others, the recipients, decide what they are either. There would be a fund that will buy a second house in N America, and the rent once the house is fully paid for the rental income will be providing all sole funds after rental expenses. That way, right now, my wife would own a spare house that she can later rent out for her own retirement.

-We borrowed the airfare from a friend so that the family could come over here to live, against my advice and judgment. I was wrong on one thing. They do actually work now that they are forced to, having come out of the Philippine retirement that I (my wife even more so) financed for all those years. But they find the work in North America hard, and so they will be returning. Not on my money they won't. They now have a problem, they owe a load of airfare money for getting here, and drink and smoke too much to save for their return. And no doubt I will be left maxxing out my credit card again, and taking more pension out to pay it down, just to pay off the airfare that was spent getting them here. But the goose has laid it's golden egg, and will lay no more.

Can you imagine that? How such a person can write that long only as a response to some posts? We can be poor but with dignity but that is not the case, because I myself see how my countrymen are. If they see a lighter color or anyone from outside the country, all they cna see is money. As long as someone is out of the Philippines, Pinoys think it's money. A big shame. A bad attitude!


  1. this is one of the very few instances that i would be ashamed of my fellowmen. ~x( not only they suck the hell out of their in-law, they are brought teh rest of the filipino line down to the grave.

    i dunno what's with these people.. it's just so sad that no matter how hard you raise your flag.. some will still pull it down.

  2. Yes Pen, actually i am proud to be Pinoy/Pinay too but it really hurts when you get branded all over the world in a negative way,. Promise.

  3. oo.. nakakahiya man aminin pero totoong nayayare yan.

  4. hay...its not almost people who cn afford to give out money for their family is not in favor with this one too,and shall we say generalize isn't also the right thing.

    there are just people who chooses not to work and become independent to the other raise and ask for money to support their family in pinas...

    sad, but sometimes there are just people who dont know how to do something that way we wont be able to look stupids in foreigner's mind

  5. in replying your post on my blog, im not japanese, im indonesian, and yes thats japanese drama.
    many indonesian celebrity here married to foreign husband just becoz they thought it's cool, what a shame!

  6. @ Pen,
    Indeed, nanggigil ka nga with those round stuffs! I see you used one and it is very appropriate for your comments! ^^

    Yes gurl. It is very bad and indeed it is very disappointing to be branded in other countries.

    I don't think there is something wrong with that. I am actually infavor of cross cultural and cross racial marriages so in the process, the biases and prejudices against each other between the people around the world would be erased.

  7. hay naku deppressing at the same time nakakaasar na nakakabaliw.. grrrrr... I don't like people na nanggogoyo dahil pati yung iba nadadamay...

  8. I think in this post it's the pinays fault, she just think of herself of what other people think of her. I married to a foreign man but i never sent any unreasonable money to my family back in the Philippines, i love my husband and my kids and they are my first priority, my family back in the philippines knows from the very beginning that i didn't married the money but instead a person like all of us who work and earned dollar and spend dollar. very shameful because it's leaves a brand to general pinays, if i can give an advice to the American man who are on the way to marry pinay they should make an agreement "which supposed to be automatic responsibility to prioritized her husband and kids before anybody else" but it's the reality that needs to be stopped which we know it won't grrrr......i don't know this are people who seen a lot of money and turned them into money hunger.

  9. Just wrap it and tell me all your blogs so i can link it all..lol

  10. Dami ng instances na ganyan. It's not something new actually. Ang nakakasama lang, foreigners think tuloy na all of us are the same na which is not fair. Di ba sis?

  11. sad to say it..but it's true.. pero kultura kasi yan e, kulturang pinunla dahil sa kahirapan. mahabang diskusyon yan. I will be posting some discussion I had from my long weekend holiday with some Filipino Immigrant here in Canada but it won't deal on the Filipino culture na nakatuon sa pera. salamat sa pagbisita!

  12. I just want to comment on the featured reaction on this post. I am an American married to a filipina. My life has been perfect ever since we met and I've never had any problems with her family. Her family doesn't ask for money but we send money on occasion to help them out. In the beginning of our relationship, my wife and I had many discussions about everything......including her family and their situation. We established agreements and rules regarding how we would live our lives together and we've never gone away from our pact. We are happy and her family is happy. I understand the situation in the Philippines and I want to help them as much as I possibly can but with two little ones of our own.....we have to ensure the "water-tight integrity" of our ship before we can help anyone else with theirs. I really love my in-laws, they are great in every way and they always treat me very well. I wish I had a higher income so that I could help them more than what I do. I have known a few guys that married badly to filipinas and had the same problems that this man is speaking of....most of those relationships ended in divorce or worse. It's a shame but if you throw caution to the wind.....this type of thing happens. I noticed that most of these failed relationships began in a bar and some even ended in a bar. This should have been a "red flag" that money was of the upmost importance to the female and these guys should have taken heed to the signs. The filipinas may be deceitful and scheming but it is an act of survival for them and their family. This doesn't make them right but I blame the guy for jumping in with both feet without a clue as to what he is jumping into. In regards to the dried fish.....hahahaha (I have to laugh about this one) I have heard other foreigners complain about this as well. My response to this is...if you don't like filipino food and filipino culture, why would you marry someone from the Philippines. When you marry, you agree to accept everything about that person, even the food they like. My suggestion, learn to like the food and there will be no problems. When I first started eating filipino foods, I only liked about 30% of the dishes but now I've adapted to eating about 90% and I love it. In fact, I prefer it over American food. God Bless America and God Bless the Philippines....may God bless us all.

  13. @Lynn,
    You are damn right about the so many instances about this. That is why, if you dig into my previous posts, you would see a lot of clamours about this stuff and other related stuffs.

    I dunno actually why we are so addicted sa pera.. I mean ahat gahaman but how we deal with it, it just kind of nakakahiya. We think that we have the needs and others (esp. the caucasians or foreigners) do not have needs!

    I actually salute your wife for agreeing with on suct pacts. I have read a lot of situations online as well, or even in the blogs that when pre nuptial arrangements and settlements are being talked about, they get offended! What is there to be offended of? I mean, marriage life is between two people alone. If there is an agreement, that is good for none between the two would be reliant. In the end, it would be for the benefit of each side to try to be independent and strive for the best despite the marriage.

    About the bars stuffs, there is nothing wrong with that if both are sincere. Well, the problem is, you are correct! Old men looking for fresher meat and they dont consider the consequences and young chick looking for full pockets and thick bank accounts... who can blame the two? Either way they should be ashmed. But here, I am mostly tacling Pinoy bad attitudes. We all have our respective bad habits, but here, I am just trying to let other see that this is not correct.

    Indeed my countryment look at Caucasians or even any foreigners "full"...literally full of money. I have seen to that when my Italian bf and I were touring our country a year ago. But what can I do? All I could see were contempt, envy and malice in their eyes... and that was not in the province huh! We lived in the business district of the country in Makati and yet, there is no difference as to the attitude. It was really embarassing and all that. But I just hope things can change.. that my fellow men understand that there are poor people in other countries too...that good life can be achieved through swindling...through taking for granted...or through selling their daughters/sisters to foreigners in expectations of monetary returns.

  14. Thank you very much for the return comment. I just want to clarify that my wife and I didn't have a prenuptial agreement in a legal sense. We just had talks about our life together and how we would do things. We just have many similarities and we think exactly alike so it was easy to come to such agreements. I think if a couple has good communication in the beginning and all throughout the relationship......there will be few misunderstandings and upset feelings. I like your blog.....keep it up.

  15. @ Anonymous,

    It is okay even not with the prenup agreement, as long as you have your own agreement at the start and you have both respected it plus, if you both felt good about it making sure that you two have understood things clearly. Understanding is very important in all relationships, indeed! Moreover, we have to understand that not all people are so open minded. It is so good that your wife has an open mind and did not take it as an offense against her dignity, unlike all those ones around who have thought this way.

    Yes, I am indeed keeping this blog for this is very googleable now. ^^ Thanks alot.

  16. in my 8 months of blogging, i've come across several blogs by pinay bloggers married to americans. without meaning to sound too snobbish, i gathered that most of these pinays met their husbands online. most of these pinays opt to meet and marry foreigners ( mostly americans) in their quest for the land of milk and honey or for a more current description - the american dream. having met and finally married to an american means thoughts of abundance for the girl's family and the throng of relatives back in the province. this scenario should not a generalization of all pinays who married foreigners. this scenario is most common to those pinays who do not belong to a higher social and educational level.i do not mean to sound so snobbish, i'm just stating facts based on my observation.

  17. I am the originator of the long post. I wish to correct some misunderstandings in the responses.
    I am not American, nor did I meet my wife online, however I am regarded as an American by those who have never been outside the Philippines. I am also regarding as rich, even though I have worked a blue collar job 40 hours a week plus overtime and second jobs all my life. Nor do I have a marriage that is anything, as far as the two of us and my Filipino stepchild go, except a delight.
    The problem is one that could happen in any country, but more so in the Philippines, in that I suspect that as a child my wife was a trained slave to her family.
    I have now given up fighting the issue - she will spend what she will spend, and she will give away what she gives away, and she will ruin her future or not, up to her.
    As far as the fish cooking goes, I still regard it as a total insult to me if fish is cooked only when I am present, and never when I am out of the house for a few hours, bearing in mind my distaste is clear to all. I believe that this issue of the fish reflects the attitude throughout, in that there is no respect. I am now in the process of selling assets and separating off 'my share' back into my pension fund, where I will lock it in and will it to my wife retaining the lock-in until she is older, hopefully so that her elders are passed away before she gets the pension money.I hope that this clarifies a few matters. I am not a fool, but when I am discussing the borrowing of money to pay for airfares, and told that the family members will work when the 'get here' then I make the assumption that they will be eventually paying back the friend we borrowed from, not walking away when the subject is raised. I have now paid THAT few thousands as well as the rest. Oh, forgot to mention - the house that the family owned in Philippines has now been taken over by a relative. I was told it would be sold to pay the airfare. I can truthfully say that EVERY SINGLE MATTER INVOLVING MONEY ALSO INVOLVES LIES, CHEATING, AND DECEPTION. I continue to support my wife in her goals, but not financially - I am virtually a dry well. If life could be lived twice.......if only.

  18. Additional from originator:
    A prenup or any agreement is no good when it too, would just be a pack of lies. I agree to one thing, and it changes into a different situation. I agreed to budget 200 a month to add some security for her family. They responded by quitting work and working out ways to get more as a regular thing. Money sent for meds was spent on phone bills, then the med money is requested again. Then once they are here, no meds are anywhere to be seen. Medical bills are paid, then have to be paid again. There is no end. I will be told whatever it takes to keep the situation sweet. And the situation is like quicksilver. My wife now has future plans involving relatives, that I have estimated as costing some $50,000. I don't have the money, or enough life left to see it through.

  19. There seem to be 2 strings here on the same subject, I just posted this comment as an addition to the 2 anon nones above.


  20. Anonymous reminds me of a friend i worked with years ago in the ship.. he also married a filipina and he had the same situation as Ano. but he ended up divorcing her.. The thing is, you should talk to your wife and put limitations to everything esp. finaces. But I can tell you that not all Filipinas are the same as your wife's family... she's just one of those who makes wrong choices in helping her family... Goodluck to you..

  21. thanks for stopping by my blog and the messages lefy on cbox and comment box as well, nice meeting you here online :-) dropped my ec here, ingat!

  22. That is crazy but pretty much true. Thank goodness my family is not like that. Very good post.

  23. some filipinas just marry foreigner just to uplift their status in life.. tuod man gid na, damu diri sa amon...they leave their poor husbands and kids para mangita sang "kano" nga magbuhi sa ila.. shame on them! hindi man tanan, pro laban2 gid kwarta ang ginaisip kaya naga-upod sa mga foreigners.

    my ara dalaga, 18 years old, nangasawa "kano" na mas tigulang pa sa lolo nya... my ara man tatay, gpadala sa japan ang anak nya kag gipaasawa sa kaedad nya(sang tAtay) lang ng hapon... phew!

    naiimagine ko na tuloy how hard marriage life if you don't love the person you marry...it wont last cguro...indi gid!


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